And this marks the first week of my Birthday Countdown so I get to pick whatever I want to review.
So prepare to go through the looking glass, it's time for -
Mirror Mirror
or
The One with Spock's beard
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| Not that sort of beard |
Errr
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| If your dad doesn't have a beard, you've got two mums |
We open with Kirk, Scotty, Bones and Uhura chatting to some dudes on what appears to be a unfinished bandstand.
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| Looks like rain... |
Well the guys are chatting. Uhura is busy with her kindle.
Not that you can blame her as the conversation is rather stuffy. This is the Halkan council, who have decided not to allow the Fed to mine Dilithium on their planet.
Kirk tells the leader that the Federation has proved that their mission have always been peaceful.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm legit impressed that he managed to say that with a straight face.
To his credit, the Halkan leader does not call Kirk a lying liar who lies, but just says that he believes that the Federation is peaceful at this moment in time but they may not be so in the future and it is against their principles to harm even a single life.
Kirk grows bored of this and takes advantage of thunder and lightening going on and calls Spock to ask about the status of the ion storm.
Spock, who's on the bridge with Chekov and Sulu - the whole gang's in this one! - says that the storm is violent and unpredictable - so like you, Captain, in a way. Hurr hurr.
Kirk decides to continue the negotiations later. The leader agrees to meditate further on the matter and reminds Kirk that he could just take the dilithium by force.
I... honestly don't know what the point of that was. Was it just to see what Kirk would say? Is it a test?
In any case Kirk is just like, yeah we could but we won't so whatevs and tells Spock to beam them all up. As they're energising they fade in and then fade out again before making it on the third try.
Phew, says Kirk. I was getting worried for a second there but wait -
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| Welcome to Planet Fanservice. |
As they check out their new bling they look up and see: Spock. Spock with a goatie! Doing a weird salute!
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| You put your left hand in |
HOSHIT SON, WE'RE IN THE MIRRORVERSE!
Kirk shushs his peeps' questions and instructs them to play along.
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| Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena |
Mirror!Spock turns to the transporter engineer and is all, I told you to compensate for the ion field you incompetent loon. That was not compensating. Give me your agonizer. As far as I can tell thi is some sort of tazer.
Lieutenant Kyle is like, Noooo don't taze me, bro! But much like the florida police force Mirror!Spock will not be swayed and is like Agonizer, pls until Kyle gives in and Spock tazes him good an proper.
Kirk and the rest of the regular guys are visibly disturbed by this display as we go to CREDITS
When we come back, Kirk helpfully provides some exposition by recording a Captain's log. Not that I begrudge him his voice-overs but where is he recording this? When did he get time to himself? I guess he has some sort of recording device on his person but wouldn't that be the mirror!Kirk's recording device? (The same way he's in Mirror!Kirk's clothes.)
Kirk decides that they need to discuss recent events in private so he says that the transporter fault made everyone dizzy and they should go to sick-bay so Dr McCoy can examine them.
As soon as they are out of the transporter room, the other start to ask Kirk what the heck is going on. Kirk is all BE COOL BITCHES, NOT HERE.
Once they get to the Mirror!sick-bay Bones is shocked and appalled at the state of it. Everythings a mess! Nothing is in its place!
Heh, if he thinks that is a mess I dunno what he'd think of my desk...
They hypothesize that they're in some sort of parallel universe. It's time for some intel! Kirk sends Scotty to engineering and tells him to take out the phaser banks. They can at least buy the Halkan's some time! He tells Uhura to go to the bridge and find out what his exact orders are and promises he will also come along shortly. He doesn't really tell Bones to do anything. I guess he's just gonna hang out in sick-bay. Maybe he wants to do some dusting.
Uhura goes along to the bridge trying to look conspicuous and we get our first look at Mirror!Chekov and Mirror!Sulu.
I gotta say Mirror!Chekov's hair is not as ridiculous as regular!Chekov's usually is.
Mirror!Sulu has a fugly looking scar across his face. He sees Uhura and is all, the Captin and First Officer are away! Looks like it's raep o' clock!
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| In this universe Sulu is a fan of the ladies. Sadly, the feeling is not mutual. |
But Uhura is all GTFO. Do I have to smack a bitch? However (spoilers) we have to wait to see that because Kirk chooses this point to make his entrance and Sulu backs off.
Meanwhile Scotty tries to get to engineering but the guard outside refuses to let him in without authorisation. Mirror!Security >> Regular!Security.
Scotty defeated after this denial, turns on the intercomm to tell Kirk that everything is fine and all the phasers are ready for mayhem and destruction. Mirror!Spock orders Mirror!Sulu to get everything ready but Kirk says he has changed his mind and gives the Halkans 12 hours to reconsider.
Mirror!Spock is all, this is unprecendented! It's against protocol! Kirk is like, please don't tell me how to live my life. Spock's like you do realise I'm telling, right?
Kirk is like do what you want. Does it look like I give a fuck? And with that display of bravado he stalks off to go chat to Bones and Scotty. Uhura gives him a look as she goes that sez, bitch please do not tell me you are leaving me alone here. This place is a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen, but Kirk can only shrug at her.
While these meaningful glances are going on Mirror!Chekov pushes some buttons in a suspicious manner. You might think it hard to be able to make the act of pushing buttons look suspicious, but Mirror!Chekov manages it. He is a man of many talents (and ridiculous hair).
He gets in the turbo-lift with Kirk and asks if he wants Deck 5. Kirk agrees and Chekov grins in a sinister manner.
But as the doors open Kirk is jumped by some guys in jumpsuits! It's an AMBUSH!
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| SURPRISE! |
Mirror!Chekov tells Kirk that now is his time to die so everyone can go up in rank. Apparently this place runs on the tried and tested method of Klingon promotion.
Damn Mirror!Chekov. You will never succeed if you insist on taunting your enemies before you kill them! It's rule 6 in the evil overlord handbook for Pete's sake. If you want to kill someone just kill them. Don't stand about monologuing.
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| Is he threatening or flirting? I can't tell. |
But it is lucky for our heros that he does because it allows Kirk to get the jump on them. One of Chekov's henchmen switches sides and helps out. Kirk bitchslaps him for his trouble.
Security arrives and asks if they should take Mirror!Chekov to "the booth". Kirk is like, I have no idea what that is but sure, let's go with that.
The boys convene for a chat about their predicament. Scotty thinks that he can replicate the conditions of the ion storm, but he can't do it alone. He looks at Bones meaningfully.
Bones is like, don;'t look at me! I'm a doctor, not an engineer! Heh, I so very often have the opposite conversation at my house. Scotty's like, You are now! Suit up!
He wanders off to look at some schematics and have a nerdgasm over them.
Kirk and Bones wonder what their counterparts are like so they ask the computer for a short history of the life of one James Tiberius Kirk. To cut a long story of murder and betrayal short, it involves murder. Lots of murder. And some betrayal.
Kirk can't stand to hear the whole grisly tale so he shuts it off. Scotty says he can do it but activity will show up on Mirror!Sulu's security monitor, so they'll need a diversion. Hey Uhura! Remember all that sexual harrassment -
Bones is like, I wonder what our counterparts are doing...
KOMEDY INTERLUDE TIEM WITH MIRROR!AWAY PARTY
Mirror!Kirk wears guyliner and mascara. It seems that whenever Kirk (or a part of him) embraces his darker tendencies, he goes straight to the make-up box. Come to think of it Mirror!Spock is wearing a lot more eye shadow than regular!Spock. I think the logical conclusion that we can draw is that EVIL IS FABULOUS!
Security throws a ranting Mirror!Kirk into a room with a protective forcefield where the other Mirror!guys are.
Mirror!Kirk doesn't appear to be very bright. He doesn't realise that this is a different universe and thinks is some weird conspiracy cooked up by Mirror!Spock.
Regular!Spock is all this is the funniest thing I have seen since Kirk made out with a cat!lady. Well, his mouth does not say that, but his eyebrows do.
Mirror!Kirk is all, what's going on? Why are these uniforms so hidious? WHERE IS YOUR BEARD?
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| NOT THAT BEARD! |
Then he tries to bribe Spock, What do you want? Money? Power? Sexual favours? Whatever you want I can't get it for you?
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| Those mirrorverse boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there |
Spock runs off before he cracks up in public.
END KOMEDY INTERLUDE
Back in the Mirrorverse, Mirror!Spock catches up with Kirk just in time to provide some exposition about what an agony booth is.
It is a booth. That causes agony. Here endeth the lesson.
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| It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside |
Kirk is shocked and appalled and orders Chekov to be let out of it.
Mirror!Spock is like, you know, you are acting really dodgy lately. I don't like it. Kirk is all, who is the Captain, me or you? Spock is like you are, but you won't be for long if you keep acting this way so you best check yoself before you wreck yoself.
Spock tells Kirk that he doesn't want to be Captain, and doesn't want to kill him but will be forced to if Starfleet command - er - commands it. Kirk is like you do what you gotta do bro, now get out of my face.
Meanwhile, Scotty and Bone arrive at engineering. Bones is back to his old hypospray tricks.
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| Son, you been BONED! |
Kirk goes back to his quarters to ponitificate and finds a lady asleep on his bed.
Marlena, for that is her name, is apparently "the Captain's woman" and much like the "Women" on Game of Thrones her job is to provide sex and exposition.
Marlena is all, can't I know your plan. Kirk is like LOL NO.
Not able to provide exposition, Kirk is also saved from having to provide any sexytiems by the bell. It's Mirror!Spock! His orders from Starfleet are to kill Kirk if he does not destroy the Halkan people by dawn. He just wants Kirk to know.
Marlena wants to know if she should "activate the Tantalus Field." Kirk is like, I don't know that position, is it fun? But she pulls back a panel on the wall to reveal a tiny tv. She pushes a few buttons and it shows Spock looking pensive. Marlena helpfully explains that this is some alien technology she can push another button and Spock will disappear. This is how Mirror!Kirk gets rid of his enemies.
She's like, should I get rid of him now but Kirk manhandles her away and is all Nooo! Not my Spock! Or any Spock, really! All Spocks are off limits, OKAY?
Marlena takes this to mean that Kirks plan for keeping the Halkans alive will bring him so much power that he can even taken on the might of Starfleet. She asks where she fits in. Kirk's like, wherever you want, baby. Wherever you want. This annswer pleases her and she sashays off to another room...
Smoothness, thy name is Kirk.
Kirk takes advantage of the time alone to call Scotty and tell him they only have 3 hours. Scotty is like, No, you ignorant child, we only have half an hour because something-something-star-trek-physics and we will be stuck here.
Meanwhile Mirror!Spock asks Mirror!Sulu why he is monitoring his communications. Sulu is like, not monitoring I was just about to call you, for serious! Spock tells him to cut the bullcrap. Sulu is like whatever, dude it doesn't take a genius to figure out your orders. I hope you succeed because otherwise the duty would fall to me next and I have no problem taking both of you out. Spock is like, you can try, bitch! But just know that if by some massive stroke of luck you get lucky and I die my Vulcan friends will string you up like the little bitch you are.
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| Someone just got told! |
Mirror!Sulu seems unsettled.
Back in Kirk's bedroom, Marlena re-appears in... well I'm not sure what that is. IDK I am not an expert, but I guess guys find this sort of thing seductive... the sixties were an odd time.
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| The first time I've seen Jimmy look legit terrified of a woman |
Kirk is like, I gotta go! Marlena thinks that this means that their relationship is over as if they don't have sexytiems then what do they have left? She says she likes being a Captain's woman and will be one again if it means that she has to go through every officer in the fleet.
Kirk is like you could! and then is like no, no that came out wrong! when she tries to slap him! He only means that she can be whatever she wants to be! Even if what she wants to be is a massive ho!
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| ...Especially if what you want is to be a massive ho! |
He makes out with her to calm her down and says he will be back soon. (Psych! He will never be back and he makes his way to the transporter room. On the way he tells Uhura to get ready for Scotty's signal.
Marlena turns on the tantalus field to watch the proceedings and jeez Jimmy what did you leave her in there for? I bet he's forgotten about it. A+ attention to detail!
Uhura's like, the things I do for survival. I had better be getting a raise when I get back!
Distraction in 3,2,1!
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| The female of the species... |
OKay, the lights are out! Distraction over!
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| ...is deadlier than the male |
Sulu is like, you take a lot of chances. Uhura is like pfft, whatever! Do I have to cut a bitch! and leaves.
My favourite thing about this whole sequence is how none of the other actors on the set react at all while all this is happening.
Kirk is unlocking the transporter when Mirror!Spock shows up and asks what he is doing. He threatens Kirk and leads him to sick-bay where everyone else is.
Time for a fight!
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| Don't stand so close to me |
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| ... I think he just punched him in the groin O_o |
Spock manages to hold is own but eventually they get the better of him by hitting him over the head. Bones is all, GAH! He'll die without medical treatment! Scotty is like, who CARES? We don't have time, but Kirk is all There is ALWAYS time for a Spock! Bones, do what you can and meet us in 10 minutes!
But then! A Wild Mirror!Sulu appears!
Sulu is like. Hahaha now I can kill all of you and make it look like you all killed each other! Mine is an evil laugh!
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| Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal |
Then all his henchmen disappear! It's Marlena and the tantalus field. I don't know why she doesn't just get rid of Sulu too but maybe it ran out of juice.
Kirk knocks Sulu out. That was kinda anticlimatic...
They're running out of time. They try to get McCoy to hurry up but he's like I don't tell you how to do your job! Just get to the transporter room! I'll catch up!
Once the others leave, Mirror!Spock wakes up, backs Bones into a corner and mindmelds with him.
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| You say it best, when you say nothing at all |
Marlena is waiting for the others. She wants to go with them! Scotty is like, it can only take four! Marlena is all, but there's only three of you! Kirk is like, yeah but there's another dude if he makes it in time. Marlena threatens him with a phaser but Uhura is like, that will be QUITE ENOUGH from you and disarms her.
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| Girl-Fight! |
Then the power cuts off and someone will have to operate the transporter manually. Scotty volunteers to stay but Kirk is like, no it must be me! Scotty is like, eh, okay, good luck with that.
Then Mirror!Spock enters with Bones and is like, okay, you idiots. I know everything. GO HOME. I want my own Captain back!
It's quite sweet. In a way.
Kirk is like, you are a man of integrity in all worlds! Spock is like, okaaaay, I think you want to leave now, you have two minutes!
Kirk is like two minutes is enough for an epic closing speech about how you should overthrow the empire and become a force for good! Spock is like, and how many of me do you think I am! Kirk tells him about the tantalus field and that Marlena will show him how to use it.
Aww, the two of them working together. I see some weird-eybrowed kids in there future.
Spock agrees to consider it although I think at this point he would agree to anything just to get Kirk off his ship.
Transporters flicker and hooray they are back in their own universe!
Regular!Beardless!Spock is all nonchalant, Y Halo thar. Nice to see you!
Kirk asks how he figured out their counterparts so easily. Spock is like, easy, dummy. You never offer me sexual favours unless you're high as balls.
McCoy is like, OKAY TMI! Hey Spock, maybe you should grow a beard it gives you character! Kirk is like, yeah it made you look like a pirate! Spock is like, I found your counterparts quite refreshing tbh. They were flowers of humanity.
Slightly disturbed by that image Kirk is like, have we just been insulted. Bones is all, pretty much.
They go to the bridge where Kirk meets new recruit Lt. Marlena who only joined last week! He's like, WELCOME ABOARD MY VESSEL!
Spock is like, you hit that in the other universe didn't you? Kirk is like, nope, but I intend to! I intend to hit that so hard another universe might implode!
Spock is like, I shoulda just left you there, shouldn't I?
END
Birthday Countdown will continue tomorrow with I, Mudd.
Remember this guy?
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