Friday Trek Spam: I, Mudd

You guys! You guys! You know how I said that Mirror, Mirror was my favourite episode so far? Well, we already have a new contender! I love this episode so much I want to watch it forever! 


In fact, I may as well shut down the blog right now because I cannot believe that anything can top this for sheer Star Trekness.

This episode maxed out on 60s awesomeness while keeping the 60s awkwardness to a minimum, so everyone was a winner! Except for (SPOILERS!), Harry Mudd but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Set warp speed up to eleven, it's time for Trek Spam.


Friday Trek Spam: I, Mudd

or

Harry Mudd and the Fully Functional Androids. 

Spock and McCoy are chilling in the corridors, just having an old walk and talk. I think they're probably gossiping about Kirk. I know whenever I get together with my friends and one of us is not present the rest of us totally discuss them behind their back. Usually about whether they are or are not boning somebody and the frequency of said boning.

You guys can try and tell me that men don't gossip but that is a lie. I knew this one guy who would start his conversations with "Have you heard any good gossip?"

Anyway my point is that Spock and Bones: total gossip hens... or cocks, as they are dudes. Gossip-cocks!

And to prove my point, they are cross paths with some random crew member that we have never seen before and as soon as he is out of earshot, Bones is all, I don't like that guy!

Spock is all, eh, I'm not so hot on Ensign Norman myself, but he's only been here like two weeks. Give him a chance.

Bones is like, creepy dude is creepy. He never smiles. He only talks about work. He never discusses his past. It's so not right.

Spock is like bitch, you realise you just described me, right? Then he gets the hump all, I will just leave you to hang out with NORMAL people. Good day to you, sir!

Bones is like, Hey bro, no I didn't mean it like that! It's totally different when you do it! Er... wait... I LIKE YOUR EARS!

Spock is all, too little too late. I said GOOD DAY!

Bone is like, aw come on bb, don't be like that. Besides that guy is totally blowing off a physical examination with me. You gotta admit that's weird.

Spock is like, hmph maybe he doesn't want to be subjected to your beads and rattles.

Beads and rattles? I've had a few routine medicals and some not so routine ones and I cannot remember any that invovlved beads or rattles. Or anything resembling them. I know that 1960s!Future was a simpler time, but still.

Er, Spock - I don't think that was a medical. I think you may have been punked.

While Bones debates internally the pros and cons of coming clean to Spock about that "medical", Ensign Norman is busy breaking into the controls and overloading some stuff! He changes their course, which the bridge crew pick up and are like wtf?

Scotty is like, move out the way bitches! I'm going to over-ride this sucker and use the manual controls but Norman knocks him out. :(

Spock and Bones get to the bridge in time for Sulu to confirm that yes, they are going faster and no, he is not driving this ship and then Norman shows up and is like, yes, this was my doing.

Hmm, he has a somewhat monotonous voice. I wonder if he is a robot.

Norman is like, yeah, I configured your circuits so that if you try to change course or anything the ship blows up.They check and this is indeed the case.

Why is this even possible? No, like I can grok why there needs to be a self destruct function, but surely there should be some sort of permissioning for it? Like only the Captain has that power and if the Captain is dead/sick/brainwashed then it falls to whoever is in charge? IDK I can't help think that this is a massive security flaw.I have seen enough people go space-crazy on this show to know that what you don't want is some emo intern with a death wish and access to the self destruct codes.

Although I guess robotnic could have just over-ridden all the ... er... over-rides.

Anyway, they ask what he is upto and Norman is like, my people wish to study humanity - oh sorry Mr Spock - humanoids. We  required a ship and crew. He then lifts his shirt up to display some electronics and hahaha he is a robot. A politically correct robot, but a robot all the same.

And I suppose if we're being PC I should call him an android.

Meanwhile Norman is like, okay, well nothing to do until we get there and crosses his arms and closes his eyes in the manner of a sulky child. 

Spock is like, aww fuckbiscuits, Bones was right! Must distract! It's mindmelding time! This fails in a way, because Norman has apparently switched himself off so Spock doesn't get anything from him. On the other hand Bones is distracted enough to not do the I-told-you-so dance, so it also succeeds.

The crew has nothing to do but wait until they get to whereever it is that Norman is taking them. And you know, try to avoid walking into him as he inconsiderately turned himself off in the middle of the bridge. Not like in a corner where he wouldn't be in the way.

Uhura and Chekov are like, OMG worst lounge ornament, ever!

So this goes on for a while, then Norman wakes up all refreshed from his nap - and is like, we're here! And I want you to beam down with me.

Kirk is like fuck that. I'm not going anywhere with you. Norman is like we expected you to say that, but hear me out before you make your final decision - there is a word, you know, that means nothing to my people, but I think it will help change your mind.

Knowing Kirk like I do, you might think that this word would have been Boobies! but instead it is "Please". Which is kinda lame if you ask me, but it works because Kirk takes Spock, Bones, Uhura and Chekov down with him.

They arrive in some sort of throne room. For a throne room it is actually kinda sparse.

There isn't much in it but a couple of harem girls and on the throne is  - holy shitmuffins - it's Harry Mudd!

Pretty fly for a white guy

For those of you who have forgotten who this dude is allow me to flashback recap! (Note: this does not actually happen in the episode, this is a special flashback just for recapping purposes.)

Harry Mudd aka Hardcourt Fenton Mudd Esq. was this dude that the Enterprise peeps once rescued from his wreck of a starship along with three women that he was transporting to be "wives" for some miners on some deserted planet. (Basically he was an astropimp, is what I am saying.) The peculiar thing about these women was that one look at them and all the dudes on the spaceship immediately became consumed with lust.

Except for Spock, because he had yet to go through Vulcan puberty.

It turned out that the women were actually taking some sort of pills to make them insanely attractive and if they stopped then their faces would get all melty and warty. But by the end Kirk gave them an inspirational speech about how beauty was on the inside and they made themselves beautiful from the power of self-confidence! Yay feminism!

There was also some stuff about how the head miner and the head space-hooker had some sort of beligerant sexual tension going on and eventually they fell in love. So a bit like a romantic comedy, but really boring and with uncomfortable stereotyping of gender roles. Actually, now I think of it, exactly like a romantic comedy.

And Harry Mudd was sent to jail for endangering the crew with his radio-active space-hookers and trying to strand them on a deserted planet with only miners and tornados for company.

Anyway so Kirk is naturally surprised to see Mudd there. He's like, shouldn't you be in prision atoning for your space-pimping ways. Dammit, Harry. If there is one thing worse than space-hookers it is robot-space-hookers. 

Mudd is like, Hello Jamie Boy. Dude is as high as balls... and dressed like -  eh, actually his outfit is pretty much appropriate for a space-pimp, though not so much a king.

When the pimps in the crib ma drop it like it's hot

Spock is like oh here we go.

Mudd is like Please address me as your majesty King Mudd the 1st. How do you like my awesome android harem? This is my "Alice" series of sex-bots. I had 500 of these made.

Spock is like, not that I am entirely opposed to the idea of an army of sex-bots, why the same model?

Mudd is like BECAUSE I CAN.

Kirk demands to know what Mudd is doing there. Mudd says that he escaped from prison and up to a short while ago was making a living selling scientific patents.

Kirk is like, hmm that sounds too legit for you. Did you pay royalties?

Mudd is all FREEDOM OF INFORMATION! FAIR USE! WE ARE THE 99%!!! Spock is like, I think he means no. Sadly for Mudd he got caught on the planet Denab V who also took the same view on digital piracy and the arested him. Bones is shocked. Simply shocked.

Mudd asks if they know what the penalty for theft is on Denab V. Spock is like oh you get to choose. Death by hanging. Death by lethal injection. Death by decapitation, firing squad, stereo, drowning, rabid wolves, stoning, bears, being drawn and quartered, fire, vagina denata, defenestration, -

Mudd is like, yes yes they get it, the one common thread in all that is death.

Kirk is like, so then what happened. Mudd starts to waffle on, but it's okay Kirk speaks fluent conman. The base of it is that Mudd managed to give his captors the slip and steal a spaceship. Then he drifted aimlessly for a while until he ended up on his planet which was populated by these androids who proceeded to make him their King.

This does not fill my with great confidence with regards to their judgement of character.

Anyway so for a while Mudd was happy with his army of sex-bots catering to his every whim, but then he got bored. But the androids wont let him leave as they want someone to serve. So that's why he sent Norman (Who is Norman 1) out to fetch a ship and a crew. They are to stay here and keep the androids busy while Mudd takes their ship and goes out into the great beyond.

So Kirk is like, the hell you will! But Mudd is like oh pssh, here lemme show you something! And he pulls a cover of this glass cage and AAAAAH! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Just gonna stand there and watch me buuuuurn

Ok so, this is a replica of his wife, Stella. He had her built specifically to nag at him. It amuses him because now he can order her to be quiet whenever he wants to.

wow. move over Shades of Grey (1). That's some weird ass controlling issues right there.

Bones is like, hurr hurr I bet that's not all that he does with her amirite?

Bones, that is just gross.

They go to some sort of break-out area and a couple of the Alices tell them that they were created by some humanoid type aliens on a p[lanet from the Andromeda galaxy. Their star went supernova but a few outposts survived. 

The androids have been forever alone and want a pupose.

Kirk is like ok, whatever. Now GTFO. The Alices are like but why.

Spock remembers a stag do that started out like this once

Kirk is like because we don't like you. now bloop bloop bloop. [This is an actual... well, not sure if I can call it quote but he does make a weird noise.]

The Alices leave and Kirk asks for opinions.

Chekov is like, we're fucked. Kirk is like, more optimistic opinions! Bones is all, I agree, we're fucked! But Spock has not been idle and is like, you know those guys are probably not capable of independent operation, there must be a central processing core -and he goes off in search for it.

Spock finds a the contral control unit and holy codpiece, Batman, that's not all that he found.

Must. Not. Look. Down.

Hehehehe I will save your delicate eyeballs by not including a more detailed picture, but let's just say that the male androids outfits leave very little to the imagination (and I have the sense of humour of a twelve year old).

Spock valiently tries not to look down and tries to chat to Norman about the control system. Norman is all "I am not programmed to respond in this area" which appears to be the android equivalent of naff off.

While Spock gathers intel, Kirk, Uhura and Chekov are being given the tour by Mudd and the Alices. They take them to the android generator to show them the new "Barbara" series. Barbara series? So... BARBIES!!

Aren't there any Kens?

Uhura is like, so how long do these android bodies last anyway? The Alices tell her that they have been going for 500.000 years and counting. They said that they have the technology to transfer a human brain into an android body making them effectively immortal.

OKay, two things.

First of all why didn't they do this for their old masters? Second of all, transferring a human brain won't help with immortality because the brain is also a body part that also DECAYS. What do you think dementia is?

What you want is to transfer your consciousness. Think Ghost in the Shell(2). Either way, Uhura seems taken with the idea. Uhura! This is no time to get existential, grrl! I thought you were beyond being one of those flighty wimminz! ;______;

Kirk is also concerned about the Ken doll question I posed earlier and is like, why no male androids. Mudd is like I don't swing that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Whatever floats your boat, man.

In the meantime Bones has a nerdgasm over the science lab.

One of the Alices (or maybe it's a Trudy) chucks Scotty into the room all, here's the last one! The androids have beamed the entire crew down and have taken over the ship!

Kirk is furious at this and is all KIRK SMASH at Mudd, but there's nothing to be done. Mudd laughs and them and tells them that they should just make the best of their situation and then leaves to pack.

What the heck is he packing? He escaped from jail! He can't have had much with him...

Anyway at least Scotty is here.

Spock is like, okay so now what? Kirk is like, dude, I am worried. You and I both know that the crew is full of idiots. Faced with their every demand fulfilled, who knows what they might get up to.

Oh, hey Chekov!

Come on, Barbie! Let's go party!

Two of the Alices are with Chekov offering to fulfil his desires and needs. Chekov is like, it's a shame you aren't real girls. He makes this gesture as he says it, just so that we can be sure what real part of real girls he is talking about.

Deep in the night when I'm wrapped in her tight - embrace! Tight Embrace!

The Alices are like, but we are designed to be fully functional! Chekov is like Yes! This is even better than Leningrad! Lofty praise indeed.

Yep, I think Chekov has crossed over to the dark side.

 Scotty is chatting to Norman No 1. about some machinery in the control room. It must be cold in there because you can totes see Norman's nipples standing at attention through his shirt.

Looking a little peaky there, Norm! Hurr hurr.

Why do androids have nipples anyway? And why would they react to the cold? Ugh, humanoids are disgusting. This is probably another reason why androids/robots grow to hate and resent people so much. Brain the size of a planet and all you want to do is have relations with it. I think we have some more rules to add to the list of How to Prevent the Robot Apocalypse.

1. Do not equip your robot with death lazers.
2. Do not have sexytiems with your robot.
3. Never EVER have sexytiems with a robot equipped with death lazers.

RULES TO LIVE BY.


Anyhoo, Scotty is all I have died and gone to Engineer's heaven! Uhura says that they offered her immortality and she could be beautiful forever. Chekov lounges about with a dreamy far off look and aww, I think we may have just witnessed baby's first threesome.

Oh, Chekov. 

Alice 471 wants to know if they need anything. Kirk is like, I want the Enterprise! I am unhappy without my ship! This confuses Alice and she sends a message to Norman asking him what to do. Then she's like, a ship is not a want or desire. It is just a machine. Kirk is like HDU! (actual quote) [The Enterprise] is a beautiful lady, and we love her!

Err, steady on dude. I've heard of guys who love their cars/boats/whatever but this is getting a little creepy.

Alice is like, I am not programmed to respond in that area, probably because she is a little creeped out and leaves.

Bones comes back from whereever and says he has "examined" some of the robots (Oh, Bones!) and they are all in perfect physical condition with no weaknesses, only a sense of purpose.

Kirk is like, this crew could do with a sense of purpose. Like seriously, Spock and I are the only ones who are not whoring out our integrity to robots - or just whoring out to robots, Chekov.

Mudd shows up - I guess he's finished packing all his ill-gotten gains - and is like, ok folks it's been real! Just time for one more for the road - and he switches on the Stella-bot again!

I honestly don't understand this relationship.Someone is in clear need of therapy and by the end of this episode it may very well be me.

So after fondly listening to a replica of his wife shout abuse at him for a while, Mudd is like Okay androids, if you'll just help me with my bags I'll be out of yout hair!

Androids: LOL NOPE!

Norman is like, we knew that Mudd was a poor excuse of a human being but we put up with him so we could get more humans to serve and protect. Now we will take your ship and go to your worlds and take care of humans. They are too greedy and compulsive to know what's good for them. We will hug them and squeeze them and call them George.

Kirk is like, oh Harry you twunt, what madness have you wrought?

Time for a war council! Spock is like, okay so here's what I know. The core processing unit is not capable of controlling all these robots. Bones is like How do you know, huh? Spock is like, I asked, dummy.

They wouldn't tell him what was responsible, but he's pretty sure it's Norman There are 500 Alices and 400 Trudies and even a few Oscars and Steves - a whole plethora of android series in fact, but only one Norman.

Kirk is like, oh yeah when one of the Alices freaked out she also asked Norman for help.

HOSHIT it's a hive mind!

Spock and Kirk plot that they need to confuse the androids as this will get them stuck in logic loops and drain their power. They must be illogical!

Mudd is like pfft! Spock, you may be a damn good science officer, but you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother! Spock is like, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would anyone sell fake patents to their mother? Also I love my mother very much, I would -

But this is no time for Spock's Mommy issues! First thing first is to knock Mudd out so he can't cause any mischief!

They summon an Alice and tell her they need med supplies! This unit is malfunctioning! They need to go back to the ship.

Alice looks like she's about to relent but then Uhura is like, they're lying! It's a trap!

Wait! What? WHY?

Kirk wants to know too!

Uhura says she wants an android body. She wants to live forever!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Alice thanks Uhura and says that they will be sure to reward her with her wishes and goes out to consult with Norman! Kirk grabs Uhura and is like UHURA YOU BIG HO - that was AMAZEBALLS!

OIC, it was a trick! LOLZ. The androids would have been expecting an escape attempt and now there has been one so they will be off their guard. They now suspect nothing!

Uhura is like, gods I am an awesome actress! I almost convinced myself!

Kirk calls to order, A'ight bitches, it's time to take the Alices on a trip through wonderland!

So how do you confuse a bunch of robots.

Like this:

I'm a little teapot..

Bones: Scotty, can you believe the crap we get roped into?

In Soviet Russia, dance battles you!

GTFO, Chekov!

Basically they act like they're tripping balls. The Alices have never seen panto before and shut down.

Spock does not need assistance to confuse lady robots. He's like okay, I love Alice 13 but hate Alice 267. They're like, but we are exactly the same. Spock is like, but I hate you because you are the same! The Alices try to make sense of this but get short themselves out.

Spock's got 99 problems but a bitch 'aint one

It's time to go see Norman!

They engage in some more madness which culminates in Scotty begging to be killed to death and the others zapping him with their fingers.

Alas, poor Scotty! We knew him well.

 
He "dies" from too much happiness.

I shall call him Squishy and he shall be my squishy!

Norman asks how this can be so because it is illogical. Spock says: Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow. Logic is wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green!

Scotty gets up and Norman is like omg, he's alive!

Kirk is like, I LIED, Bitch! That's what humans do - we lie! Take for instance this man here! Harry Mudd is a liar of the worst sort. Do not trust him. Everything he says is a lie! 

Mudd is like, in fact I am lying right now! 

Norman is all, but that doesn't make sense! Please clarify!

Kirk is like, I am not programed to respond in that area, bitch!

Norman is like but but if everything you say is a lie then you must be lying when you say you are lying so in fact you are telling the truth but if you are telling the truth, then the statement I am lying is in fact a lie and aaaaaaah unknown application error reinstall universe and reboot where is my cheese 0101010101

Bitches can't handle Kirk's logic.

LOGIC-BOMBED MOTHERFUCKER!

Well, that's over and for serious the last ten minutes were pure comedy gold! Mudd is like, so haha now that's done, no hard feelings I presume?

Kirk is like you presume wrongly. My feelings are very hard. Very. Hard, Indeed - no wait, that sounded wrong.

He tells Mudd that they will leave him on the planet as a form of parole with some androids to look after him. Mudd is like, oh well it could be worse.

Kirk is like oh you haven't heard the best part! The androids will all be of his wife Stella and this time he can't turn them off!

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Oh how we laugh haha because it wouldn't be a Mudd episode without at least a little LOL 60s!WIFE thrown in there!

We end like we started, with Bones and Spock flirting bantering. Bones is like, aww poor you. Now you're stuck with us illogical humans again. Spock is like, that's ok. I like to be where I'm necessary. Don't worry, bb, I know you are desperately illogical. I am here for all your logical needs.

END
 

1. Disclaimer: I have not actually read Shades of Grey, but apparently it is the New Big Sexy Thing. I did however read this review: http://foreveryoungadult.com/2012/04/06/my-safe-word-is-dnf/ of it and it sounds really boring. Also, if I wanted to read BDSM Twilight fanfiction, I would read BDSM Twilight fanfiction.

2. I have seen Ghost in the Shell and it is crazy awesome. Well okay, the first movie is amazeballs, the second movie descends into pretentious twaddle but is pretty to look at and the TV series was even more AMAZEBALLS with ever expanding titles. [Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex: 2st GiG?]