Friday Trek Spam: Catspaw

Today's episode is Catspaw. This is apparently the first and only Halloween themed episode of ToS. Welp! Maybe I should have done this in October then? Oh well, too late. I mean I could save it for next year, but honestly, who knows if I can keep this blog going until next year? (If I do, you guys should totally buy me a pony or something.)

By the by, if you guys know of any Christmas themed episodes, let me know and I may do that one next.

But there are still two weeks to go until Christmas, so for now have some Trek Spam.

I am so tired right now, you don't even know

Catspaw
or
The One where the crew has really odd subconscious fears


We start off on the Bridge. Kirk and Spock are hovering worriedly behind Uhura. Welcome back Uhura! Never leave again!

They totally look as if they're trying to figure out
which one of them passed wind 

They lost communications with the landing party some time back! What could be keeping them? Scotty and Sulu know better than to wander about without checking in! Something must be wrong!

Uhura is all, this happens every week. Why are you surprised by this?

But, they manage to get hold of some dude called Jackson, who says he is ready to beam up. Kirk is like, what about the important people? But Jackson just repeats that he's coming up, so Kirk is like, okay whatever! Bones! Spock! Come with me! To the transporter room, away!

Jasckson beams up and them immediately face-plants on the tranporter.

Bone's diagnosis: This man is dead!

Bummer.

But then hocrap, Jackson's mouth opens (his lips don't move) and this booming voice says "Captain Kirk! There is a curse on the ship! Leave this place or you all shall die!"

We will be right back on Corpse Communicators after these messages.

And on that ominous note, we go to credits.

Kirk is determined that there shall be no more deaths on his watch tonight. So much so, in fact, that he only takes Spock and Bones down with him and leaves a red shirt in charge! Hmm... if there were not like 50 more episodes and 6 movies to go I would be afraid that this move might backfire spectacularly.

They arrive on rocky terrain and are set upon by weather! Surprise fog!

There's a 30% chance that there's a lot of fog about

Spock is like, this fog should not be possible given the climate of this place. It's obvious Spock, it's a fog machine! Maybe they've arrived in time for Disco night!

Haha, I don't hve a picture of it, but you can see The Shat's microphone througout this scene.

We cut back to the ship and  - Holy hairballs, Batman! That is a terrible wig right there! What in the blue hell is up with Chekov's hair?

The kids and their fashuns!

I mean okay, a lot of people make unfortunate fashion choices at some point in their lives, but Jeez!

Yeah, they like lose communications or something but I wasn't paying attention. Too distracted by Chekov's hair

Back to the planet, the terrible threesome go in search of their missing crewmembers, or at least the source of the fog machine when they hear this wailing.

They see this:

Double, double, toil and trouble...

Hey! Who invited the weird sisters? Guys, I thought we already had a Shakespear episode!

The three witchs are wailing "Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!"

It's no the first time he's had bitches witches moan that at him, amiright fellas? Hurr hurr!

... okay then. Moving on.

The witches are like, "Remember the curse! You'll die, or worse!"

Kirk: Spock. Comment
Spock: Very bad poetry, Captain.
Kirk: A more useful comment, Mr Spock.

 Spock is like, I think they want us to leave. Kirk is like, maybe you should critique their poetry some more, I think that was more useful.

Spock follows his equipment - his tricorder is still picking up life form readings and this leads them to a spooly looking castle. Yep this is definitely the source of the life forms (and the fog machine).

They go in and are startled by an angry cat!

I can has cheezburger?

Spock is like, Holy balls! I was not expecting that.

Kirk is like, if that random dude had not died on us I would think that this is just some sort of massive prank. Bones is all, yes, very trick or treat.

Spock is like, I do not appreciate your human in-jokes!

Meanwhile, the red shirt in charge is bossing Chekov about. It's not every day that he gets to sit in the swivel chair! He can't just lose the Captain! That would be mega embarrassing.

Chekov is - ack! hair! I'm sorry, I can't focus on anything but that when he is on screen.

Shut up! Zis iz ze latest fashion in Russia!

Back with our determined tro. They find the cat again, who is less angry and decide to follow it, because they're all out of other ideas.

The less popular cousin of Keyboard Cat.

Then the floor collapses underneath them and they all pass out. The cat comes back and looks down at them smugly.

Is this... it this Basement Cat!?!

The boys wake up cained in a dungeon.

Next to a skeleton.Yikes!

Kirk, McCoy and Bones

Very atmospheric.

Bones is like why are people trying to scare us by pretending we're in a ghost story. Spock thinks its because humans are instinctively scared of things like black cats and skeletons.

Okay, but who is instinctively scared of Macbeth?

I bet it was Scotty. He wears kilts, and drinks whisky and is like BONNY SCOTLAND at any given opportunity. Of course he would be afraid of the Scottish Play.

They hear footsteps and yay! it's Scotty and Sulu! Oh wait they're brainwashed and/or drugged.

How many times has Sulu been brainwashed or drugged, by now? I can think of at least 3 others off the top of my head.

They release the prisoners and take them to some sort of throne room where they are greeted by a bald wizard with a disco-stick and the black cat.

Lets have some fun, this beat is sick; I wanna take a ride on your disco-stick

The bald guy (Korob) says he knows who they are and then is like, "Don't we, my precious." to the cat.

The cat meows up at him and he's like, oh yeah, so how come you didn't leave.

He chats to Kirk, Spock and Bones for a while. Spock is like, we've never seen life on this planet before and Korob is like maybe we aren't native, IDK.

It appears that the cats is translating when he doesn't understand certain words.

OMG it really is Basement Cat!The Rise of the Kitty Overlords! All shall love them and despair.

Korob offers them dinner, but they're like, we're not hungry. Why have you brainwashed our friends? So he fills their plates with jewels and is like there you go!

um, dude, people can't eat jewels. You're thinking of dragons.

Oh wait, he's bribing them. He's like, I will give loads more jewels if you leave your friends here. Kirk is like WTF dude? I have like a ship that can manufacture me real jewels not this plastic crap. Why woud you think we care about this stuff?

Spock is like, faulty research. You can't trust wikipedia, man, everyone knows that!

Korob is like, whateves! I was testing you! You passed!

The Kitty Overord is pleased it seems. It's like later dudes and runs out of the room and returns as this chick.

Who is Silvia? What is she?

Eh, I found her more intimidating when I thought it was Basement Cat.

Anyhow, she introduces herself as Sylvia. Korob and Sylvia.. yeah, those are two names that totally go together.

So Korob and Sylvia explain that their purpose in this whole charade has been to get information about Earth Culture from our heroes. You know, I can't help but think that there may have been much easier ways to start a cultural exchange. Although it would be much funnier, not to mention more illegal, if instead of inviting foreign students schools would just kidnap them and lock them in a haunted house for a while.

Kirk is like, I do not trust your intentions and refuses. He wants to know how and why they killed Jackson.

Sylvia is all I killed him with my thoughts. To demonstrate she shows him this.

Can you get those Keychains on eBay?

Aww it's a tiny Enterprise on a chain! .

But ack! she moves it close to a candle flame and allows Kirk to call the Enterprise.

De'Salle (Redshirt in charge) reports that the ship is heating up! The temperature is rising for no discernible reason!

Kirk is like, alright already, you made your point.

So what is she some sort of Voodoo priestess? Oh no, it's "Sympathetic Magic". IDK what that is, but it sounds like fun.

Sylvia cuts off communications again. Kirk tells her that the ship's crew will just send more search parties, so Korob puts the Enterprise Voodoo keychain in a box and is like, yeah, now they won't.

Sylvia decides to question them separately so she keeps Bones and sends the other two to the dungeons.

Spock suggests that maybe the aliens have some form of weak telepathy. They were able to pick up subconscious fears but not anything important. Their subconscious is afraid of oddly specific things, isn't it? Although maybe you can blame a lot of this on Sulu. In that episode with a virus that makes you act like you're drunk, his idea of a good time was to pretend to be a musketeer.

Bone comes back and threatens them with a phaser. Et tu, Bones? T___________T

Meanwhile, Sylvia and Korob are arguing. Sylvia likes her new form and all the new sensations she is experiencing. Korob says they must stick to the plan and reminds her of their duty to the old ones.

I sense that Sylvia may be one of those flighty wimminz.

Holy close-up, Batman! The camera keeps zooming really close to Korob's face every so often. I don't know why.

Maybe don't watch this one in HD

Kirk is next to be interrogated. Sylvia wants to do it alone.

She says that she doesn't understand why but Kirk excites her. Kirk is aww, yeah, you want dis. This I can work with!

You smell like kitty-litter.

Sylvia's like, do you like me? I am a woman after all.

Kirk: You're not a woman. A woman should have compassion 

Frankly, I am a little relieved. Kirk's been having a dry spell lately.

Sylvia is going on about how she is experiencing all these new sensations and Kirk should totally join her and give her more.

So he makes out with her a little.

His chin fat is really weird in this picture

While he does that he's all, so what don't they do this where you come from? What is the source of your power. Sylvia is too distracted by his lips on her face to think clearly so she's like yes, no, there's a transformer - no a transmuter - Korob's Disco-stick.

Then she realises that while Kirk may be making out with her, he isn't really into it, and is like, you're just using me!

And Kirk is all YEAH SO? You were using me too so NYEH!

Bitches be crazy

Oh Jimmy, you don't admit to that sort of thing. Say that you're scarred by emotional trauma of your past. You've been hurt too many times before. Girls like that sort of thing. Do not deny it ladies, it is sad but true.

Sylvia is pissed so she sends Kirk away. Spock is like, Jim, what did you do?

But he is saved from having to answer any potentially embarrassing questions when Korob arrives. He frees them and is like, I don't agree what Sylvia is doing, but I can't stop her. You have to leave now!

Kirk is like, not without my men!

Korob is like, it's too late for that. They belong to her now. Then he gets all sad and is all, I wish we could have avoided this. Maybe we should have just talked to you guys first and explained nicely.

Spock is like, ya think?

Anyway Sylvia is close by so Korob is like, Hurry she will destroy us so they make a break for it.

Sylvia feels like her current form is not the best for death and destruction so she transforms herself into the cat again, only this time, she's gone for the extra extra large size.

60s Special Affects!

Korob tries to stop the cats but it pins him under a door. Kirk nabs his Disco-stick/Transmuter thing. Spock and Kirk are then attacked by the brainwashed guys. They knock them out without much trouble.

But the Sylvia!Cat approaches...

Kirk is like, why the cat? Why would you go for the cat? Spock is like, racial memory, innit?

Spock: The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals.

What.

Okay then, I think we know who among the crew is afraid of cats. Who would have thunk it. Clearly Spock has never met Maru. Lookit the roly poly kitty...



*ahem*

 I once had a converstion where we established that a lot of dictators and invading types of people were afraid of cats. Alexander, Gengis Khan, Hitler, and some similar guys. So we established a connection between a fear of cats and the urge to start a land war in Asia (which you know you should never do). I think one of my old team leads was also afraid of cats. Cats or spiders, one of the two. I don't think he has ever tried to start a land war in Asia, but you know, whatever he does in his own time is his business.

Anyway, my point is that Chekov had better not try any crap with Spock or Spock might invade his home country.

So Kirk  is like, hey, Sylvia. Look I have the transmuter! It's mine now!  Seeing this Sylvia turns human again. She's like, baby, why you gotta be like that? Baby, think about it, you and me!

Spock is like, oh fuckbiscuits Jim! What have I told you! Don't let the strange alien woman touch your disco-stick! You don't know where she's been!

Sylvia is like, I don't have to stand here and listen to this, so she teleports herself and Kirk into the throne room again.

She's all, give that to me! You don't know how to use it!

Kirk is like no! Who knows what you might do!

Sylvia is like, what little old me? I'm just a small town girl, living in a lonely world!

Kirk: Whatever you are, you are no woman

Or maybe he just really hates that song. Either way, he smashes the transmuter and everything vanishes! The castle, the fog, the guys are all normal again.

As for Sylvia and Korob...

Never commit to anyone unless you've seen them without make-up

Yeah.

The aliens can't survive in their original forms so they die quickly.

Bones is like, tell me you didn't make out with that thing.

Kirk is like, Bones, please don't joke. My very good friend and colleague Jackson is dead. Have some respect, jeez.

And on that evasive note, it's THE END!

This wasn't one of my best efforts, I've been ill. But hey Trek Spam is like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still good.

Except you know when its one of those frozen ones, that are too dry and the toppings take too long to cook completely so the pizza ends up burnt and under-done at the same time and it's like you don't really want to eat it but it's either that or actually do some cooking, so you're like fuck it and eat it anyway and then you feel guilty and slightly nauseated for the rest of the day.

And I think that metaphor may have gotten away from me, so it's a good place as any to end this post.