Today’s episode is The Doomsday Machine. I think this episode is actually pretty good - the first time I watched it, I was legit tense.
That being said, I get legit tense while watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic; so make of that what you will. You should totally watch that show,by the way. It will change your life; no lie.
But no time for ponies, this is Star Trek country!
Kirk arrives on the bridge, wearing his green fat-shirt
Anyway, Kirk arrives on the bridge and apparently there is some sort of crisis going on. Kirk turns to the comm officer and - wait a minute, where's Uhura? Who the heck is this chick?
Whatever.
They've picked up readings from a ship called The Constellation the Solar system that should be in this location has been destroyed. Kirk says that Matt Decker, the guy who commands the Constellation wouldn't just give up without a fight.
There should be seven planets, but they're only two and a lot of planetary debris. Then they find the missing ship apparently stranded. Go to Red Alert and man your Battle Stations!
You know, I've think I recognise not!Uhura's voice. I think she's the generic satnav voice. Some sort of voice over anyway.
On that note, it's time for CREDITS.
We get our first view of the Constellation over the view screen. It looks a little charred around the edges.
not!Uhura is all, you have reached your destination!
Kirk leaves Spock in charge and goes to beam aboard. He takes Bones and Scotty with him. Finally, a mission where taking the doctor along makes sense!
Look, I like Bones just fine. I just think that sometimes he tags along where there's nothing for him to do. There also take a couple of extras but none of them are wearing a red shirt so this bodes well for their survival.
The Constellation is a wreck; it's abandoned, everything is topsy turvy and broken and there are pipes all broken and hanging from the ceiling. Why are there so many pipes? I thought that sucker was nuclear?
Maybe for coolant? IDK the physics of Star Trek makes my head ache more than regular physics ever did.
Scotty is like, yeah, this ship isn't going anywhere. The warp drive is a hopeless piece of junk. Kirk and Spock (over communicator) hypothesize that maybe a large energy source disrupted all their shit.
It's always a large energy source, isn't it? Do energy sources just wander around is Space? (SPOILER: YES, they do)
Kirk and Bones go to the auxiliary control room to look for the Captain's logs and they come across the actual dead Captain.
ACK!
Oh no, wait. He's still alive, just traumatised.
This is Commodore Matt Decker and Kirk thinks that the best way to snap him out of it is to poke him in the face. Luckily there is a doctor in the house and he injects him with something - Decker, not Kirk.
Kirk tries to ask him about what happened and where the rest of his crew are. Decker proceeds to have a panic attack.
Bones tells Kirk to give Decker some time - heh, his bedside manner seems to be improving. They listen to the tapes to pass the time and tape!Decker explains that he and his crew have arrived in the solar system to see what's what and the fourth planet appears to be breaking up. They will investigate and reconnoitre.
This gets a reaction out of Decker and he starts to explain his UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY.
"They say there's no devil, Jim, but there is. Right out of hell, I saw it!"
Decker says that there was this thing that came RIGHT OUT OF HELL it was chewing up the forth planet. They tried to destroy it but nothing worked and it attacked them. The ship was broken and they couln't move, and communications were out, so Decker beamed his crew down to the third planet . He stayed behind to operate the transporters and to go down with his ship.
But then the thing left him - after causing enough damage that the transporters were broken - and went to destroy the third planet, so Decker had to sit there listening to his crew beg him to beam them back up as they died.
... I can't make fun of that. ;________________; Crreys forever!!!
It must have been sort sort of weapon, says Decker. It was miles long and had a maw so wide that it could swallow a thousand starships. No Decker, the word you're looking for is Dragon. Cos Dragons do that sort of crap. And have mouths.
It apparently was pure anti-proton. absolutely pure.
I don't know what that means. Let's just say that SHIT GOT REAL.
Spock calls in with a status report. They can't contact Starfleet command, they've lot the signal. He also figures that Decker's dragon is actually a robot of some sorts that runs about destroying planets.
(Take a drink!)
According to Spock's calculations, once it's finished up here it will head to our galaxy and starts with the densely populated Rigel system.
Hoshit.
Bones is all, why would anyone build such a thing. Kirk thinks it's a Doomsday Machine (just like the title of this cartoon!)
Bones says he's a doctor, not a mechanic, so Kirk explains for his benefit, and ours, that a Doomsday Machine is the ultimate weapon, created to destroy all life, like the "old" H Bombs. Maybe this was used in some long ago, far off war, this was used and it is still going. Still destroying everything it comes across.
Decker: BLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH SPARE ME YOUR THEORIES WE HAVE TO STOP IT
Kirk sends the obviously unhinged Decker back with Bones for medical treatment. Just as they get there the Enterprise goes into Red Alert and Bones and Decks runs to the bridge.
The planet-killers here! *DUN DUN DUN*
Oh yes, Bones. Let the guy with PTSD watch while the thing that caused all his trauma shows up again. I'm sure there's no way that this can end well. Why did he go to the bridge anyway? He's a doctor, what's he gonna do?
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| This is not my idea of a dragon |
Anyhoo, the thing attacks! Everyone goes flying. Sulu swings on the swivel chair! (Not the time, dude!) Transporters are out (Take a drink!), Communications are out! (Take another one!)
Cut off from the Enterprise, Kirk tells Scotty to do whatever he can but to get them moving. If you have any doubt that Scotty will not be able to pull this off - leave now. This blog is not for you.
The Enterprise retreats out of the range of the machine and it ignores them and goes back to chomping the remaining planets of the system.
Spock: "Random chance seems to have operated in our favor."
Bones: "In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky."
Spock: "I believe I said that, doctor."
Boys, this is no time to flirt.
Spock plans to go back, pick up Kirk and the others and make contact with Starfleet and let them handle it, but Decker is all, actually I outrank you and I say we go after the machine!
(Seriously, this is not the first time that I wonder if being a dick is like a requirement for promotion in Starfleet)
Spock is all, lol, no. Decker cites regulation at him and is all, I am the boss of all of you! I've been up against this thing before.
Spock's like, yeah? So? All that got you was a dead crew, a stranded ship and that fucker's still out there!
That was way harsh, Spock. True, but harsh.
Decker's all well know I know what not to do. Are you aware of the regulations or not?
Spock can't deny regulations and backs down. Decker is like, yes the swivel chair! McCoy is all, What is this fuckery? You can't let him do that!
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| What's with the yellow cards, Matt? |
Unfortunately Spock will need some sort of medical report and Bones hasn't had time to examine Decker yet. BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT HIM TO THE BRIDGE INSTEAD OF SICKBAY BONES. This is what happens when you want front row seats!
That being said, Spock is really being an ass here. Anyone can tell Decker is medically or psychologically unsound. Hell, I can see that I and I am medically and psychologically unsound.
(This is one of the reasons you should never let me captain your starship. or drive your car. )
Decker is all LOL McCoy you fail. Mr Spock knows his regulation. Do you, doctor?
It's actually a little sinister.
Oh come on, Spock! Decker's doing the Disney Villain slouch of evil! He's clearly unhinged! Spock looks like he literally does not give a fuck.
Meanwhile, on the Constellation - REPAIRS! Kirk manages to get the viewscreen going and is all - bugger all this for a lark, what are they doing? Scotty! get me some power!
Enough of that, Decker makes them get close to the thing and fire at it! Much to Sulu's astonishment, the phaser beams just bounce off! (What about the photon torpedoes? They sound like fun! No? ... not even going to try? well, fine!)
They attract the attention of the machine and it fucks their shit up. Spock is really annoyed. The communications lady is all "Turn around when possible"!
Decker wants to try again, but Spock says they're caught in a tractor beam and attempting to go any further would be suicide. And attempted suicide means you're unsound and I win!
You couldn't think of this before, huh Spock?
Decker gives in and Spock is all - turn this thing around! However it's too late!
Seriously Spock. The last possible minute?
But Scotty has power on the Constellation and whee! we're off! Kirk hopes to distract the machine. He's like, if only I had phaser power. Scotty's like, why didn't you ask? I've recharged you a bank!
Yay! Scotty! I think Scotty is my favourite. It works and the machine lets go of the Enterprise to go after the Constellation.
Decker is all, good boy Jim!...prat.
Kirk's like, yay! It's working... hoshit, it's working! ABORT ABORT REVERSE!
While this is going on they get ship to ship Communication back. Kirk's all, Spock?
Decker's like, no I'm in charge here.
Kirk is all, YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIP I WILL KILL YOU WITH FIRE, FRY YOU IN ONIONS AND EAT YOU!
He orders Spock to reclaim command and get rid of Decker.
Spock would never go against his BFF so he's like, okay Decker, beat it.
Decker: I'LL SEE YOU COURT MARTIALED
Spock: FILL OUT A COMMENT CARD
Decker: NO U
Spock: I WILL HAVE YOU ARRESTED SEE IF I DON'T
Decker: YOU WOULDN'T DARE
Spock: GIVE ME A REASON MOTHERFUCKER I DARE YOU
Spock sends Decker down to sickbay with security.
Decker overpowers the security guard - who actually puts up a half-decent fight and runs off to do *something*.
As Spock and Kirk make plans to meet each other half way, Sulu notes that a shuttle has been launched. Kirk also see it taking off and is like, what is this chicanery?
Spock admits he has no idea who's in the shuttle and hails it. It's Decker! (surprise!) Spock is like, fuckbiscuits! Not this guy again" I thought I told you to go to sickbay!
Decker's like, I have an idea. If I can't break through that thing, I'll blast inside it!
Kirk is like, you'll die!
Decker: The commander is responsible for the lives of his crew, and for their deaths. Well, I should have died with mine.
As Kirk tries to reason with him Decker shuts off his intercomm and drives the shuttle straight into the machines mouth.
O_O
RIP. MATT DECKER. NEVAR FORGET!
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| I need a moment |
Spock is like, huh. Didn't see that one coming!
He calls Kirk and is all, Dude, sorry about your friend. He lies. He is not sorry. They get transporter functions back and Spock's like, okay we can bring you back up!
Sulu notices that there's a power dip from the machine. The shuttle explosion damaged it after all, but only a little. Kirk has an idea!
He get's Scotty to rig a detonation device that will overload impulse power after 30 second delay. He plans to get as close as he can to the machine's mouth, set the timer off and transport back at the last second. (SPOILER: It will literally be the last second).
Spock, is all, Jim! No! You'll die! Don't leave me! Without you Bones and I will kill each other within the week.
Kirk is like relax, when have I ever died on you before. He sends Scotty back to the ship and proceeds to GAMBLE HIS LIFE.
There's a problem with the transporter - they almost lose Scotty! He's like - why am I the only competent engineer on this ship!? And goes to fix it!
It's all very tense! Sulu is keeping a jaunty countdown of how long Kirk has left! Spock is yelling at Scotty (or speaking very deliberatly - which is yelling for him)! Scotty is fiddling with wires inside a metal pipe! The transporter is smoking! Kirk is all, hoshit "Gentlemen I suggest you beam me aboard!" or I will be a crispy fried Kirk! And all the while:
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| We all live in a yellow submarine |
that thing gets closer and closer.
And then with 5 seconds to go -the transporters are barely functioning and there is light and explosions but Kirk is saved! Hooray!
And the Doomsday Machine is disabled! Oh Frabjous day! Calooh! Calay!
Spock and Jim talk about whether there could be any more of these machines. Kirk is like, I hope not. There's no fucking way I'm ever doing that again. And with that, it's
THE END!
For those of you interested in this sort of thing, the remastered version has the shot above look like this:
I dunno when the next Trek Spam will be. Maybe next week, maybe some other Friday. All I know is I hope you guys appreciate this one, because I could have been watching American Horror Story, but am writing this instead. This weeks episode has Zachary Quinto (Nu!Spock) in latex. The things I do for you.
Yes, I am that shallow.
Take a shuttlecraft into planet smashing doomsday machine not a very pleasent way to die but did,t die in vain
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