One I Prepared Earlier: Amok Time

I've been asked if I would upload the older email Spams to this blog. While I don't know if I'll do all of them - most of them suck balls - I figured I could at least start with the Season Two ones. Some, like this one, will only have minor revisions. Others (Who Mourns For Apollo) will have to be completely re-written, so I may not do that one. 


Anyway, get your neuro-paralyser ready as - 

Amok Time
or
The One Where Spock goes through Vulcan Puberty




Kirk is being his Captainly self when he is interrupted by McCoy. McCoy wants to talk about Spock. Doesn't Kirk think he is acting strange? He seems tense and fidgity. He isn't eating! Kirk is all, What? I know nothing of this! This certainly has nothing to do with that time with the thing! You know perfectly well that what happens in space stays in space! 

Kirk is a busy man and has no time to discuss this, but McCoy persists that he told Spock it was time for his physical and Spock told him to mind his own business or he would break McCoy's neck. 

To be fair, maybe Spock just doesn't like needles. I know a few people who would cheerfully break someones neck if it means they would get out of a bloodtest. 

Kirk is vaguely amused. Just then Nurse Chaple comes by with a tray. She tries to be nonchalent about it when she sees Kirk and McCoy hanging out but it's very hard to be nonchalant with a tray. Try it. Oh here I  am just chilling with my tray. It doesn't work. 

McCoy calls her over and examines her bowl. The bowl on her TRAY. GOD you guys, not EVERYTHING is an innuendo. 

You can take the cover off my bowl any day bum-tish

It is "Vulcan Plomeek Soup" He makes some crack about how she never gives up trying and awww McCoy leave her alone. She clearly has issues, (What the heck is a plomeek? Is it like a tribble?) 

Kirk is like, OKAY can I go now? but McCoy asks him to wait. 

This happens. 

Spock wants no soup. Spock NEEDS NO SOUP!

McCoy looks at Kirk all "I TOLD YOU SO!" and we go to credits. 

After the break Kirk wants to know what's going on. 

SPOCK: It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. 

Thank you for your teachings, Mr Spock. Feminism? What is this thing of which you speak? 

Kirk is not speaking of soup. He wants to know why Spock is acting all illogical. Spock won't tell him but wants to go to Vulcan for shore leave. Kirk suggests that they just go where they are headed (Altair VI) and Spock can have his leave there. Spock says it must be Vulcan and asks Kirk to accept that. Kirk tells Sulu to turn the ship around. 

Throughout this scene I am distracted by the fact that Spock's shirt is caught on his microphone. Seriously? They couldn't stop filming for a minute to fix it? 

Back on the bridge Kirk has a phonecall. The ceremony on Altair VI has been brought forward 7 days. Well, that's a bit last minute, isn't it? Starfleet command and Admiral Kojac command it! 

wait... Kojak? 

No, google tells me it is actually Komack, but I like my one better so that is now his name. 

Chekov says they will be late if they keep on course to Vulcan so Kirk tells them to turn aeround again. He promises Spock that they will go to Vulcan as soon as the thing on Altair VI is over. Spock is understanding but troubled. 

Chekov's wig in this episode is kinda amazing. One year on The Apprentice, one team at some point was trying to sell these things called "winges" which were fake fringes that you stuck to your forehead. I think that's what he has on. 

The kids and their fashuns

Kirk is trying to take a nap but can't sleep. Why does he have his shoes on? He calls Chekov and asks him to see how late they would be if they sped to Vulcan and then sped back to Altair VI. Chekov is confused because they are already on course to Vulcan - on commander Spock's orders! 

Kirk summons Spock and asks him to walk with him. They get on the Turbolift (Why is that thing called a turbolift? It looks like a regular lift to me. Why does a lift need turbo anyway? Was it designed by Jeremy Clarkson?) 

Kirk asks if Spock changed the course. Spock was all I don't know. I wasn't there at the time! I was dead! I was on the moon! With Steve! 

Okay no, he says maybe he did. But he can't remember. He asks Kirk to "lock him away". 

Kirk tells him to report to sickbay. Spock totters off looking confused to see that McCoy is waiting for him with some extra muscle. I see he has learnt from the past mistakes and has arranged for back-up! 

Spock says that his orders were to report to sick-bay not submit to an examination so nyah! McCoy says that he also has orders and they both report to the same Captain. Spock is all FINE. BUT I WON'T ENJOY IT! 

... I've just noticed. Why does McCoy have a bunch of random creatures' skulls as center pieces and ornaments? Is that really what people want to see when they go to the doctor. Oh wait... is that why he's called Bones? 

MEANWHILE. 

Sulu is amused at the rapid to-ing-and-fro-ing. Chekov just feels nauseous. Maybe it's all the glue he used on his winge. 

Moving on. 

Bones comes bursting into Kirk's room. They have to get Spock to Vulcan. He'll die, Jim! Kirk is sceptical because it's hard to tell when McCoy is being dramatic because the situation is dire or just because it 's just another Friday. McCoy says that Spock is under severe emotional and physical strain, he doesn't know how to fix it, but if they don't fix it fast - Spock will die. 

Convinced that Spock knows what's going on, Kirk goes to chat to him. 

Dat ass!

Spock  says he can't tell because it is a secret. A Vulcan secret. Kirk promises not to tell. 

I'll just post the dialogue. It needs no further commentary. 

SPOCK: It has to do with biology. 
KIRK: What? 
SPOCK: Biology. 
KIRK: What kind of biology? 
SPOCK: Vulcan biology. 
KIRK: You mean the biology of Vulcans? Biology as in reproduction? Well, there's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mister Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees. 
SPOCK: The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Captain. 

Spock says that -  humans have no conception. It strips our minds from us. It brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilisation. 

Sounds like me when I have PMS. 

It is the Pon Farr. The time of mating. Spock must return to Vulcan and take a wife. Or die. 

Kirk manages not to laugh at this, but says he will get Spock to Vulcan. 

On the bridge he asks Admiral Kojak for permission. Kojak says no. 

Kirk's like, screw it. Let's just go to Vulcanand apologise later. I won't have my first officer die because I refused him a booty call! 

Nurse Chapel gets all excited and goes to see Spock. 

Spock is taking a nap. She leans over him and - again, with the shoes. Why does everyone on this space ship wear shoes to bed? Also, what is up with Spock's bedroom decor? Red curtains, everywhere. 

You and me baby, we ain't nothing but mammals.
So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.  

Spock's all - Nurse Chapel. I was just dreaming about you. I dreamt you wanted to tell me something, but I could not hear you. 

Smooth. 

Chapel is confused and starts to cry for some reason . She tells him that they will arive at Vulcan soon. Spock asks her if she would make him some soup. She starts to weep with happiness and says she would be happy to. 

I think they were flirting, but I am not sure. I am not the world's expert on flirting, but I would think that if one of the flirters starts crying that would kill the mood. That may be where I have been going wrong all these years. THE MORE YOU KNOW!

I am again distracted by Spock's microphone. For pete's sake Spock, pull your shirt down! 

In the turbolift Spock tells Kirk and McCoy (who knows everything for some reason - so much for Kirk's promise to keep Spock's secret) that he is allowed to invite his closest friends ... to what...  watch? Those Vulcans are kinky folk, no? 

Oh no, there's a wedding ceremony before. Oh ok. Would Kirk come? Kirk is honoured. Bones is jealous. He too wanted to see Pon Farr too. Spock invites him as well and McCoy looks like he wants to hug him. Aww, Bones. Spock wuvs you too. 

They are hailed by this lady, who asks for Spock

The female of the species is deadlier than the male

They greet each other is what appears to be a traditional Vulcan greeting. 

SPOCK: T'Pring, parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. Never gonna give you up. never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. 
T'PRING: Spock, parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. 

Uhura wants to know who she is. Spock says that she is MAI WAIFU. The plot thickens. Or does it? 

(Spoiler: Not particularly) 

Anyway, Bones, Kirk and Spock beam down to this place: 

Home is where-ever you hang your ceremonial gong

Spock says it is this land has belonged to his family for over 2000 years. Apparently they have never redocorated. Spock rings the gong and says the marriage party will soon arrive. Said marriage party consist's of T-Pring, who we have met;

this constipated looking guy: 

He who smelt it, dealt it

a couple of guards; a masked guard with a big axe

Kirk wonders if he's compensating for something

And this old lady

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

Kirk recognises her as T'Pau (KUNG POW!), who is a big effing deal. Spock's family must be important. 

Kung Pow has bought her accent at the same Komedy store as Chekov. She will be officiating. Spock goes to ring the gong again but cool as ice, T'Pring stops him and issues the Kunat Khalifi challange. Spock must fight for her if he wants her. 

Come at me, bro!

B1tch is cold. From here on she will be called Stone Cold Steve Austin. 

It seems like Spock will have to fight the constipated guy. Kirk turns to McCoy and is all, Bet you $10 Spock wins! McCoy is like - No chance. Spock is screwed. 

But Stone Cold chooses Kirk as her champion instead... Kirk's is all "Damn my dashing good looks and raw animal magnetism. All the ladies are drawn to me." McCoy is like, "Er, no. I don't think that's what just happened. Something is not right." But Kirk decides to fight Spock anyway because he can just lose and Spock won't have to take a beating from the constipated wonder. 

Spock begs Kung Pow to forbid the dual because Kirk does not understand but Kung Pow is all STFU N00b. 

T'PAU: It is said thy Vulcan blood is thin. Are thee Vulcan or are thee human? 
SPOCK: I burn, T'Pau. My eyes are flame. My heart is flame. (My sex is on fire.) Thee has the power, T'Pau. In the name of my fathers, forbid. Forbid! T'Pau. I plead with thee! I beg! 

Spock backs down because old ladies are scary. 

Kung Pow says that they will first fight with the Lirpa and then if they both survive they will move onto the Ahn Woon. Kirk is like what do you mean if they both survive. Because this is a fight to the death, of course. 

McCoy is just, "I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" 

So, FIGHT !!! 

The Lirpa is a stick with a club on one end and a blade at the other. 

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end...

The first thing Spock does is cut up Kirk's shirt - because we can't start the second series while leaving Kirk's shirt intact! 

Fuckbiscuits! 

Kirk manages to survive. Barely. 

After the Lirpa fight. McCoy complains that the air is too thin for Kirk. Kung Pow is all - tough beans, but allows McCoy to inject Kirk with something to help him breath easier. 

Now remember, Jim. 'Purple Unicorn' means 'NO!'. 

As the video shows the Ahn Woon is this rope-tape thing with (a blade?) at the end. Spock uses his a bit like a whip but he's no Indiana Jones. 

Anyway, he chokes Kirk to death. 

I'm beginning to understand why Star Trek invented slash fiction. 

Shock. Horror. Rending of garments. 

McCoy departs with Spock's corpse. Spock says he will be with them shortly. He asks T'Pring to explain herself. She says "specify". 

When prodded she explains that she wanted to marry constipated guy "Stonn", but he would have to fight Spock to have her - this apparently is how Vulcans get divorced. But if she chose Spock's friend, Kirk and Spock would probably not want her if they had to kill the other so she could have Stonn. Even if Spock decided he did want her, he would soon leave and she would have Stonn and all of Spock's titles and property. 

Damn. Stone Cold...I am impressed by your logic, but you are... well, stone cold. 

Spock compliments her logic and tells Stonn he is welcome to her if he wants her. But warns him that he may come to find that having is not the same as wanting. 

Burn. I think. 

Kung Pow is all, Bye now, Live long and Prosper. Spock is like, I WILL NOT.   

Back on the ship, Spock wants to arrest himself but wait - don't you want to ask Kirk about that first? Kirk is alive! What a quinky dink! I would never have guessed this stunning development what with Kirk being the main character and all. 

Spock is all YAY! JIM! er... ahem... I mean... Iamhappyyouaren'ddead ... you know... whatever. I don't care. 

Aww! 

Instead of a triox compound McCoy gave Kirk a neuro-paralyser that would knock him out and make him appear dead. Then when they were back on the ship he fixed him! Yayness! 

... wait... Bones, why do you just carry this stuff around with you? 

Never mind. I don't think we want to know. 

(PS: Kung Pow fixed things with Admiral Kojak so they wouldn't get in trouble. You know, in case you were worried about that point). 

The End

BTW you can totally get action figures from this episode: 

Now you know what I want for Christmas

WOTE!