I am like legit exhausted tonight, but because people keep asking when they will see another of these I feel compelled to write one. So this is dedicated to you
Yes, you! You know who you are (even if I don’t.)
I will try to be more regular, but I can’t promise anything. I know that some of you think that it is my job to write these but, unless you are willing to pay me actual money you will just have to deal with my irregularities.
Anyways, on that passive aggressive note, it’s time for today’s episode: The Changeling
In which it is proved that robots can never lead to any good and I have a mental breakdown while doing this recap.
The crew is on the way to the Malurian System. They received a distress call a week ago but now they won’t respond to their calls.
Kirk asks Uhura if she has tried ALL the frequencies and she is like Yes, ALL OF THEM, but I can try again, if you don’t believe me
Spock says that there is no use because there is no sign of life from that system. Kirk is like what, the whole system? Why? How?
Spock rattles off a bunch of reasons of what definitely did NOT happen - there is no viruses that spread that fast, no wars cos there would be radiation, etc which basically is him diplomatically saying that he’s buggered if he knows.
Sulu reports that the shields just snapped on and they are being attacked. Then thislarge ball of energy comes bouncing along. I don’t have time to make a .gif but it looks exactly like the murder balloon thing from The Prisoner.
It hits and then we go to credits
The Future has no seatbelts. The Future needs no seatbelts
Once we are back, they discover that another energy bolt is soon coming. Kirk is like turn this ship around bitches! evasive maneuvers!
But they can’t get away fast enough because Scotty has diverted all the energy to the shields. So they fire a photon torpedo at this.
This does not work.
Spock says he has pinpointed the source, but it is tiny! Only a meter in length. Kirk is like, your instruments are broken. Spock is like NO. But what he really wants to say is Bitch, please. Your face is wrong.
Trust me on this. I have been watching Trek for a while now. I can read Spock’s not!expressions. They speak to me.
The object fires at them a few more times until Scotty is like, She cannae take it any more Captain!! Kirk tells Uhura to try talking to it.
I can’t help but think that this should have been their first course of action, but the attack stops and they get a message back.
They try to decipher it and then Spock’s console starts smoking. They are getting information faster than they can process it Apparently they don’t have an efficient queuing mechanism in place. They have some translation/coding team somewhere in the bowels of the ship, that discover that the message is in binary.
It’s one of these new fangled computers, okay?
The message is repeat, pls. So Kirk is like: This is Captain James Kirk. Please don’t shoot me. Think of the poor lonely space babes.
The object is like, I AM NOMAD. A/S/L?
So if it understands and can speak English, why did it bother with the binary nonsense?
The upshot is that he want to chat to Kirk. It agrees to be beamed aboard. Kirk is like, Spock, Scotty come with me! Dr McCoy to the transporter room! Away!
As much as I love McCoy, why does Kirk need his doctor in the meet and greet party? I mean McCoy does not have great inter-personal skills.
The thing beams aboard and Kirk is all, are you going to leave your ship? Do you need some sort of special environment? Nomad is all PARLEZ VOUS ANGLAIS?
Spock say he doesn’t think there is anything in there. Holy balls, it’s a robot.
Well, this was unexpected. (I lie. It was totally expected)
Nomad sez that it is on a peaceful mission - to seek new life and sterilize if it is not perfect.
STERILIZE. STERILIZE. STERILIZE. Nomad is evidently a cousin of the Daleks.
It thinks Kirk is its creator. "YOU ARE THE KIRK? YOU ARE CREATOR?"
Kirk is like, sure, let’s go with that.
Nomad wants to see some star charts of their point of origin - the planet Earth. They oblige it and Kirk is like okay Nomad you stay here with Lt. OnlyAppearingInThisEpisode, I’ll be right back.
And he drags Spock and Bones off to discuss what they should do with this thing.
You might think that Lt OnlyAppearingInThisEpisode is a gonner, but no. His plot point is to switch the intercom on and ask Uhura for some sort of report. Uhura is all, okay I’ll get right on that.
Then she starts singing.
What? Why? What is going on?
Okay, so the Enterprise is effectively like an open-plan office. If you have worked in an open plan office (and I think you have) you know there is always that one guy - that guy who is always whistling or humming and it is fucking annoying. (If you are that guy - now you know) .
Uhura is that guy.
But I guess people like it, cos Lt. OnlyAppearingInThisEpisode just grins and leaves the intercom on. I guess all the fun Internet sites are blocked so they have to make their own entertainment. But seriously, every time Uhura sings, something bad happens. The first time that creepy Charlie kid stole her voice and the other time that crazy Shakespeare chick poisoned Riley with Windex. This time is no exception.
Meanwhile, the power trio are discussing Nomad and Spock discovers that there was a probe called Nomad that was sent out 250 years ago to search for new life, but apparently it has been modified. The guy who made the probe was called Jackson Roykirk. Kirk is like, oh is that why it thinks I’m its mother.
Mother? Um... okay.
Nomad follows the sound of Uhura's voice and is all THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE
Uhura is like I was singing! Nomad does not understand the concept of music so he scans her brain.
The moral of this story is: do not sing in open plan offices
Scotty will not stand for having any women assaulted on his watch so he is like CHARGE!
Nomad zaps him and then the Power Trio arrive, like the fucking Cavalry - too late.
Kirk tells Nomad to stop scanning Uhura and as for Scotty -
Bones: “He’s dead, Jim!”
(If you are playing the drinking game - take a shot. Did we ever have a Trek drinking game? We should like totally have one. I will think of some rules, but one is definitely to take a shot every time anyone says “He’s/She’s/It’s/They’re dead, Jim!”. So like you guys can take a shot now. If you are reading this at work, then go to the pub at lunch time and take all your drinks/shots together. It will be awesome!)
Nooooooooooo! It killed Scotty! That bastard!
Nomad also deleted all of Uhura’s memories. Her thoughts were disordered.
Spock is like well duh, she is a woman.
I am always forgetting how sexist Spock is. It puts me right off him.
Kirk tells Nomad off. Nomad is all MOMMY WHY ARE YOU MAD?
Kirk: That unit was my chief engineer!
Nomad: HE STARTED IT.
Kirk: I am not speaking to you! I told you to stay in the corner.
Nomad: BUT MOMMY WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT!
Kirk: You can’t fix him! His biological functions have ceased. This is an EX-ENGINEER!
Nomad: BUT I CAN FIX HIM! I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!
Bones is like, what the heck, here read greys anatomy and go to town!
Scotty is alive again! So is he a zombie now?
They ask Nomad to fix Uhura, but Nomad did not back up her data. Bones is like eh well, there’s no brain damage. we can e-educate her and -
You’re welcome
OMGWTFBBQ? Did it completely wipe her entire memory? Does she know who she is? Has she effectively died, because if we are like the sum of our experiences, then what is left of her!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
*ahem*
OKay, so, as much as I enjoy a good mind-screw, things that literally involve screwing with someone’s mind really creeps me out - like lobotomies and ... Like when I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion and I include End of Evangelion in that, out of that entire clusterfuck, the most difficult thing for me to watch was Asuka’s ‘mind-rape’. And I doubt anyone who reads this has any idea wth I am talking about. Let’s just say I find this really effed up and move on.
They want to know more about Nomad so Spock is like, MINDMELD TIEM!
Remember how the mind meld was like this sacred and secret Vulcan rite that wasn’t to be used lightly? Now Spock will just mild meld with anything. Rocks, Robots - where does it end, Spock? Where does it end? You are headed down a slippery slope, my friend.
So Spock mindmelds with Nomad
This looks so wrong
but it takes forever (have to fill up 50 minutes some how) but it goes too far and he can’t break it.
So Kirk breaks it for him.
Is it just me or does it look like Kirk totally cops a feel
And orders Nomad to let him go. He sends Nomad to wait in a cell with a couple of Redshirts and he and Spock discuss Spock’s learnings.
Leaving this here. Just because
So Nomad was a probe sent to find new life, but it got damaged in a meteor shower. Then it met another probe, that was also damaged that had been sent to sterilize soil samples. The two merged to form the thing that is now Nomad which added 2 and 2 to get 5, meaning it now wants to seek new life and sterilize it.
Hooray!
What genius equips either a life searching probe or a sanitation probe with crazy powerful lazer beams? I mean that thing took out a whole solar system. I am not very impressed with Jackson Roykirk, I gotta say. This is exactly why the robots will take over and skynet will kill us all. It’s like here is a pretty awesome robot doing its harmless but useful functions. How do I make it even more awesome? I know! Add LAZERS to it!!!
Interlude for KOMEDY RE-EDUCATION TIME WITH UHURA!
She’s learning to read English. Apparently she still knows how to swear in Swahili. I’m going to assume that her personality has not been erased for my own sanity.
Interlude over.
Nomad is bored of waiting so it kills the red shirts and goes to Engineering. Nomad is like I FIX YOUR SHIP. WARP FACTOR ELEVENTY HUNDRED GO GO GO!
Unfortunately the Enterprise cannot take Warp factor eleventy hundred so Kirk has to tell it to stop and fix the ship.
Nomad is like BUT MOMMY WHY IS EVERYTHING SO INEFFICIENT? WHY CAN’T I DO ANYTHING FUN?
Kirk: The biological units will die
Nomad: YOU LOVE THE BIOLOGICAL UNITS MORE THAN ME. THEY ARE INEFFICIENT. I WILL STERILIZE THEM. HOW DO YOU LIKE THOSE APPLES?
Kirk: Well jokes on you kiddo because I too am a biological unit! How do you like those apples?
Spock is like aww fuckbiscuits
Nomad is like: I NEED TO RECONSIDER MY PRIORITIES.
So hey send him off with another couple of redshirts - who also die once Nomad has thought about things. Nomad goes to Engineering again and turns off the life support.
Kirk is like, WHY CAN’T YOU DO AS YOU’RE TOLD?
Nomad: SORRY MOMMY BUT MY PROGRAMMING MADE ME DO IT. I WILL STERILIZE HERE THEN GO STERILIZE BACK HOME ON EARTH ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?
Kirk then starts asking crafty questions. So if Nomad must sterilize what is imperfect, how does it know what is perfect. Nomad thinks itself is perfect and judges everything by that standard. And anything imperfect MUST be destroyed.
Kirk is like HA! But you too are imperfect.
Nomad: I AM NOT, MOMMY
Kirk: I’m not your fucking mommy!
Nomad: *gasp*
Kirk’s all SUCKA you made an error - I am not your creator, your creator was Jackson Roykirk, not James Kirk. Then you made another error in not realising your error! And a third error by not sterilizing yourself! Execute your function, bitch because I am James T Motherfucking Kirk and there is no computer yet made that can stand against my flawfree logic.
Nomad flips the eff out and is like NOOOOO MOMMY. DIRECTIVE. STERILIZE. DIVIDE BY ZERO ERROR. and starts to burn out so they take that robot and beam it as far away as possible and get the hell out of there.
In the distance Nomad explodes.
RIP Nomad.
Later Bones is like Uhura is at college level now! She’ll be back at work soon! So what is Uhura some sort of genius savant? Was the memory loss temporary? Did they just need to jog it a little. Guys I am so disturbed, you don’t even know.
Spock is all Captain, your logic is amazing! I will never judge you again.
Spock is legit impressed. And a little aroused.
Kirk’s like, yeah I know. I dunno why you are surprised by this. It’s not like this doesn’t have a precedent. Anyway Nomad thought I was its Mommy. It’s like I lost a son. A bright and promising one. The things we must do, eh?
Spock is like, disregard the last thing I said. I am already judging you, ngl.
THE END!
Four whole redshirts died in this one. And Scotty died wearing a red shirt (even though it didn’t take.) That’s gotta be some kind of record!
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