I am not BACK entirely but I am back for this week, only because I offered to write a post as a brithday present for this guy - oh, let's call him Ensign FDM - and let him pick any episode from any Trek series.
I may have been slightly drunk at the time I agreed to do this.
He picked Deep Space Nine; Series 7, Episode 15 - Bada Bing Bada Bang - which will go well as I have watched about 2 episodes of DS9 in my life and will have no idea who most people are, let alone what's going on.
(Unfortunately there are no pictures because my keyboard stopped working about two minutes into the episod, so I had to write this on my phone. I honestly couldn't be arsed to fuck about finding screen shots and finding out how the Samsung Galaxy S II photo manipulation works because in any case this was interrupting my very busy schedual of tumblring. )
Anyhoo, Happy Birthday! Lets do this thing.
Deep Space Nine: Bada Bing Bada Bang
Or
I sat through Oceans 11 (12? 13? 1760?) with the Goodfellas and all my Godfather got me was this lousy blog post.
We open with some guys in what appears to be a nightclub talking about the alamo.No, not the movie a holosuite program.
I believe they are Miles O Brian and Julian Bashir? Although I though Bashir was Britsh so perhaps not.
They're talking to some old dude who appears to be stroking a furry creature of some sort. They want him to join them in this alamo.
The old dude declines and - seriously what the hell is he stroking? Is it a puppet of some kind?
They try to persuade him by saying they can align his matrix to the holosuite and either that is a really bad come on line or the old guy is some sort of hologram like Rimmer off Red Dwarf.
The old guy says thanks but no thanks, hands Bashir (?) his ... hat? IS IT A HAT? and starts singing a song about the alamo and WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Barely two minutes in and I am already so confused?
WHO IS THIS PERSON? WHY IS HE SINGING?
The screen wobbles a little and bam we're in a completely different bar - that looks like a stereotypical smokey bad guy bar, The old guy gets booed off the stage by random gangster-ish patrons who have suddenly appeared and a bunch of leggy blonds come out and start gyrating.
The old guy wanders over to OBrian and Bashir(?) all hurt and confused and asks what the hell is going on. Join the club, mate.
OBrian says there must be a glitch in the programming and two other guys - one weaselly looking and the other one is some sort of poor guys John Goodman come over and are all Well look at the pretty boy singer..., they mean the old guy who is apparently called Vic.
Vic identifies the weaselly guy as Frankie Eyes (whut?) and they start talking like something out of a Joe Pesci movie but without the swearing (so, like Home Alone, in a way)
Frankie Eyes tells Vic that he has bought this hotel and Vic will never work in this town again! Which town is that? Why, it's Vegas, of course!
You know I think this Bashir is supposed to have a British accent... or some sort of accent anyway. I have no idea what its supposed to be though.
OBrian tries to delete Frankie and his bodguard (Cheech) but nothing happens and they make to throw the three cabarillos out. They agree that they're in trouble and we go to CREDITS.
I'll say. AND hooray for malfunctioning computers! It's reassuring to know that some things haven't changed since Kirk's days.
I don't like these credits. They're kinda boring. Where's the voice over?
Have we already boldly gone everywhere there is to go?
N'yeaah how many years I bin watchin' Star Trek and now you don' wanna give me a voice over? (Just getting into character!)
Eh okay so after credits Vic agrees to leave quietly so Frankie and Cheech leave him alone. O'Brian says that they could just reset the program but that would wipe Vic's memory which they don't want to do. They decide to go and ask someone called Feelix what the hecks is going on.
(Neelix? I hope to god it's not Neelix, that little fucker annoyed the crap out of me. If you ever want to know why I could never get into Voyager - blame Neelix. You start watching an episode and that thing popped up and I would be like AAARGH No. I can't deal with this! Change the channel! FLAMES. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE)
Feelix apparently is the one who designed this thing.
Back on the... I'm not sure it's the bridge... some place on the "real" ship? spacestation? UGH the REAL WORLD a bunch of randoms are very upset that Vic is in trouble.
Except Worf. OMG HAI WORF! I'm so happy just to see someone I recognise!
Worf is all, eh I find his music mildly entertaining but either way IDGAF about Vic. I don't think of him as a person.
Which is kinda how I feel about Katy Perry.
Bashir comes back from consulting Feelix and says that nothing is malfunctioning, it's all part of a simulation. Feelix wanted to keep things interesting. WHAT? You mean the computer is doing what it is supposed to? WHAT IS THIS BRAVE NEW WORLD? MY MIND, IT IS BLOWN.
I think I've figured out Bashir's accent issues earlier.He is a guy pretending to do a British accent pretending to do an American accent and it was going just about as well as you might think.
So to help Vic they are going to have to act out the simulation. Everyone finds this outrageous and vows to help Vic because he is a great friend and "has saved" all of them.
IDK how, but I hope it's because at some point Vic has had to stage an intervention for them. YOU'RE ONLY AS SICK AS YOUR SECRET, KIRA.
Anyway Worf is all, LOL No and goes out (NO WORF! DON'T LEAVE ME! ;___;) and Sisko comes in, appraises the situation and is all get back to work, you slackers, I don't pay you for this crap.
Heh. I knew I liked Sisko.
Sisko goes to have dinner with a lady friend (Cassidy, apparently) and is all Can you feel the love tonight? but no she wants to talk about Vic and how he is not just a hologram. He is a PERSON and if only Sisko would give the 1960s casino simulation a chance he would appreciate him as the beautiful, shimmering snowflake that he is.
Sisko's is all Bitch, please! Let's talk about something else.
Back in the holosuite Bashir appears to be feeling Vic up - oh wait, no he's checking for bruises, Vic got beaten up by Cheech. He and OBrian ask why Vic and Frankie Eyes hate each other and Vic gives some backstory that I frankly don't care about because he IS A HOLOGRAM. They hate each other because FEELIX SAID SO, Bashir!
Back at the casino, life is a cabaret, old chum.
Some other guys have decided to infiltrate the place.
Some more leggy blondes are dancing with chairs and this skullfaced guy is distracted by the sexy. I think this is Odo, but I'm just gonna call him Skulface.
He gets his act together to go hang out with Cheech who is telling an amusing anecdote about how he once killed some dude called Paulie, bada bing bada bang (just like the title of this cartoon!) but it was the wrong Paulie and do, ho, ho!
I don't get it. Paulie? Eh, I guess we won't see him no more.
Skullface ingratiates himself with Cheech by doing some sort of magic trick. I couldn't tell what it was but it worked and they are all BFF.
Kira meanwhile is playing blackjack. Frankie Eyes comes along and says she is playing wrong and the way to do it is to threaten the dealer until he gives you the cards you want.
You know, I have no idea how Blackjack is played other than saying "Hit me!" but I'm pretty sure that is incorrect.
Back at Vic's hotel room and fucking hell, even more people I don't know.
Apparently Frankie is being backed by some Godfather ish character in New York who will arrive tomorrow for his cut of the profits. If he doesn't receive his cut, then Frankie will find himself sleeping with the fishes.
Bashir is like are you pondering what I'm pondering? OBrain is all the same thing we do every night Bashir, try to take over the world!
(Err, sorry - wrong Pinky and the Brain reference)
Gird your loins, folks, it's OCEANS 11 TIEM.
Snap cut back to Sisko who is explaining to Cassidy that he doesn't like the simulation because in real life the Civil rights movement was still going on. Their people were still struggling to be recognised as people with rights. They would have never been allowed in Vic's casino.
Hocrap, we're venturing into serious business category, folks.
But dont worry Cassidy is there to tell us it doesnt matter because it is a different time now and it is not a reflection of what happened but how it SHOULD have been. And the only barriers are the ones we put up ourselves and heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for -
Oh STFU Cassidy.
Cassidy goes to help with the simulation and chats up some security guard. Skullface gets some tattooed chick a job as a waitress. Nog (the baby Ferengi - he may not be an actual baby but he sounds as if he has not yet hit puberty so that's what we're gonna call him) is apparently working as a janitor and/or a security guard. Vic goes to Cheech and Frankie and says to make amends he will bring a HIGH ROLLING BIG SPENDER to blow a lot of money at the casino.
They are all gathered in Vic's room to discuss the PLAN. They're all set except for the High Roller.
Oh hai Sisko!
Yeaaah, he's gotten over his issues. What the heck was the point of that subplot if they weren't going to address it properly? Oh wait, this is Star Trek.
But yeah, It's time for some exposition! Cue the old timey vaguely jazz sounding background musak!
Kira will distract Frankie by smoozing with him!
Vic and Sisko will distract Cheech by playing roulette!
At 11.45, the guard of the money room goes out to make an eight minute phone call, the accountant will have a martini at this time.
Waitress tattoo lady will bring him a martini, but first, she will take it to Bashir, disguised as a patron, who will put some ipecac in it.
When the accountant runs out to vomit - Cassidy and OBrian will distract the security guard with an argument.
Then Nog, disguised as a janitor, will go into the money room and crack the safe with help from his enhanced hearing. The Skullface will - WTF MATERIALIZE FROM HYPERSPACE - with a breifcase in tow.
They will put the money in the safe and walk out.
Then they put the lion on the far bank and take the goat back and then they take the hay to the other side and go back and then they take the goat back!
And they do it all in 8 minutes.
Simples!
I can see no way that this could go wrong.
We still have a lot of time to fill so time for a training montage!
Tattoo-ed lady and Bashir practise waitressing-and-spiking-drinks, Nog practises breaking into safes, Sisko practises throwing dice. This may be the most pointless montage I have ever seen. I feel like it could have been improved by playing The Eye of the Tiger over it.
Although, that is true for most things.
Anyway, it's showtime! Time for highjinks and shenanigans! There may even be some tomfoolery! Are you excited, because I ... am not so much.
Things start going wrong when waitress lady crashes into someone and drops her martinis! Bashir thinks quickly and get some more martinis. Phew!
Then its a different accountant who doesn't to drink a roofied martini. The waitress lady thinks even quicker than Bashir and asks if she can drink it - so the guy drinks it himself because he is mean.Then he has to leave for projectile vomiting fun.
Nog and Skullface encounter problems because the safe is a complex safe and it will take longer to crack it!
Holy balls guys will they make it out in time? (SPOILER: Yes.)
Kira is offering to play footsies with Frankie (is that what they're calling it these days?) but oh noes the godfather dude has arrived early and he wants his money now! Kira tries to distract the guy by pretending she is a fan, but he already has a leggy blonde so he does not need a leggy brunnette for his collection.
MEANWHILE Bashir spots the money room guard finishing his phonecall so he thinks faster than he has ever thought in his life and tells the guard that Frankie wants to see him outside.
Nog is still trying to crack the safe. It isn't working.
Vic and Sisko see Frankie and his godfather going to the money room so Vic thinks fast like a cunning fox that is capable of abstract thought and intercepts the leggy blonde, insinuating that he once spent some time in Miami with her in a bikini - I mean that the blonde was in a bikini, not Vic. That would be slightly disturbing.
The godfather grows tired of this so Frankie summons Cheech to dispose of Vic.
But then Sisko, thinking faster than a speeding bullet causes a distraction by throwing notes into the air. Bashir, who has had enought thinking for the day, follows his lead and also throws money around. The casino people fall on the notes like a tramp on chips!
By this time Nog has FINALLY got the effing safe open, so he and Skullface steal all the money.
But just as they are leaving, the secuity guard has enough of listening to OBrian and Cassidy bicker and sends OBrian away for a trip search. He almost turns around nd sees them but Cassidy distracts him by weeping into his tie.
GENIUS AND SPEEDY THINKING.
CRISIS AVERTED and now it's time for the pay off!
Frankie takes the godfather into the money room but THERE IS NO MONEY!
He is escorted off the property and the casino turns back into a somewhat boring bar and the day is saved!
OBrian comes back looking rattled. He doesn't want to talk about what happened. Full body cavity search, what, what?
To celebrate Vic decides to sing them a song. He invites the Captain to sing a duet with him and like that a history of oppression and generational rift is healed. WITH THE POWER OF MUSIC!
This goes on for about three minutes and I honestly have no idea what they sang but I'm chosing to think it was Poker Face, from which we can take our moral of the story:
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby, when it's love, if it's not rough it isn't fun.
THE END.
I suppose if any of the rest of you have Birthdays I may allow you to chose a episode of your own, if you ask nicely.
Thank you ladies and gents, I'll be here all week! Try the veal and remember to tip your waitress!
(AND STOP PERVING ON THE BARMAIDS YOU DEGENERATES YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
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